Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Little Community Service

I am a believer in community service. For our family it's getting involved in ministry but for those of you who don't hold religious beliefs I still encourage you to go out and make a difference. I personally feel that God has led me to work with teenage mothers and today I think I began an outreach for prevention with teenage boys as well. Here's how it went down...

I woke this morning with a horrible headache and cramps and wanted more than anything to climb back in bed and sleep. With three kids three and under at home, I'm sure you know - not a possibility. So I did what every mom with young children does when ill, turn on the boob tube and let them eat whatever they want. Vance went down for his nap and my sitting on the couch turned to laying with eyes closed. Keely, the two year old, came up to "snuggle" but began kicking me in the face, jumping on me, and sticking fingers up my nostrils. After trying to shoo her like an annoying fly didn't work, I sat up to notice she was naked. "Get your pajamas back on and come lay with mommy." Surprisingly she listened. Vance down for at least an hour and a half, Ryleigh quietly eating as many cookies as she wants, and Keely, the trouble maker, laying right beside me. This is fantastic! I dozed with my little one, as Dora the Explorer provided the mood music, only to wake when Ryleigh opened the back door. "Shut the door," I said. "But Keely is outside," she replied. She's right, she isn't beside me anymore. Crap. The little dog is missing too. Crap.

So here I go outside shouting for the MIA twosome. My attire consisted of flannel pajama pants, hair far from tame in a semi-ponytail, face broken out again like a ProActiv commercial, black mascara under my eyes from the previous day, imitation Uggs with one pant leg tucked inside, and the ugliest sweatshirt I own. They aren't out back. As I circle the house there she is in her two-toned pink footed pajamas trying to lift up the knocked over trashcan that's three times her size. Cali the 2 pound teacup poodle is verbally assaulting the neighbor with her yipping and with every step I take towards her she runs closer to him and his 4 dogs. Ryleigh has come out to assist in the hunt wearing capris, a bathing suit top, and her Cinderella dress-up shoes (at this time of day the temperature was in the low 50's). Keely turns around and her pajamas are completely unzipped revealing that she is at the moment, anti-panties and anti-diaper.

I know you are thinking, "you lost me with the community service thing". Well the witness to this fiasco, is my teenage neighbor. I'm apologizing profusely between yelling for the girls to get in the house or at least zip up the show and at the dog to come. I resort to desperately pleading to the evil spawn I call a dog so the guy can pass through his gate. He says nothing, nothing at all. Awkward. I think he's scared. He just looks at me and then the girls who have both fallen on the ground trying to erect the can, and goes into his yard as soon as I have detained the micro Kujo. As I pick up with one hand the semi-streaker, the yapping dog in the other and turn to walk the crew back in the house I thought if this had been on film right now the caption that would appear across our backs would be "Trojan...wrap your willy or this could be you."

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Friday, December 5, 2008

There's Something in the Air

Yesterday afternoon the CallerID showed the children's school calling. First thought...crap, what's this about? Second thought....maybe I should just let the machine get it. No, I will buck-up and answer, I figure I will have to deal now or later, no time like the present. It was Jace's teacher....oh no.

"Mrs. B., I was calling to ask if Jace might have some stomach troubles."
Believe it or not I had this same call last year, so I know what this is regarding.
My reply is a simple "No" since I don't want to go there if I don't have to, maybe my initial thought is incorrect. At least I hope.
"Well, we've been having some issues with Jace passing gas. It is beginning to disrupt the whole class." Okay I have to go there. "Jace is a very gassy kid, but we've never had anything medically documented."
I'm so thankful that this is over the phone because at this point in time I feel myself turning as red as the sweatshirt I am now wearing. Why? I'm not sure, it's not me passing gas and stinking out my friends, but at this moment in time it might as well be. What am I supposed to say, "I fed him Chili two nights ago for dinner and watch out tomorrow because he had leftovers when he got home from school today"? I'm sure this is just as awkward for Mr. Ward, in fact he even mentioned that. He apologized and said he didn't want me to think he was saying I couldn't feed my child what I wanted but he just wanted to make sure there wasn't a medical problem he should be aware of. No, I just have a child who can cut the cheese and makes no apologies, or at least weak giggly ones.

So here it is, another parenting quandary, how do you teach manners on gaseous matters? I always make the kids say pardon me. Reasonable. However, I feel if they know it's coming they need to try and squeeze it in. And if it's at the dinner table then leave and come back - discreetly. So this is where maybe I'm getting a bit unreasonable. It's probably my own fault because with Vance and Keely I always make it into a joke just as I did with the older kids by saying with a tickle, "Someone has a rooty tooty in their booty." Maybe my lightheartedness as toddlers has led to flatulence with fanfare as adolescence. I admit that I personally would rather suffer a blow to the head then fart in public or with friends (I will confess as I age this gets harder and harder to do), but why should I? Does everyone not have bowel activity? Tooting isn't a sin, so that must mean that even Christ farted. I imagine he and the disciples being all men probably reacted a bit like Jace and his friends. Maybe my children have a healthy view of it, realizing that God made them and that they deserve a little release now and then. I just hope as maturity comes they are able to temper their vapors with some appropriateness and not go to the opposite extreme like their mother who rarely allows this so-called indiscretion. A mom who for this moment is not ready to move ahead with her walk with Christ in this area and will continue to fart like a Pharisee.