Thursday, August 20, 2009

Worries and Prayers

In an attempt to get me blogging I asked for you, my bloggy readers, to post some questions for me about things you might want to know about how I run our home, deal with situations or just what my take is on life. My dear friend, Tonya from Life in Our Zoo, posted some questions for me. I really think she just didn't want me to feel bad when no one really cared what I do with my life and asked me no questions. Thanks Tonya. Here are her questions:

"Have you started homeschooling Jace yet? How do you feel about it? Why are you doing it?
Can you write funny stories about life from when you were a newlywed (if you can remember back that far)? Like when you lived out in the deserted part of the desert. :-)"

I will answer the first part, since my brain has seemed to suppress the early years, and in the mean time I will see if hypno-therapy can help me out.

I have not started to home school Jace yet. The program we are going through begins on September 8th, but I think we can sneak a few subjects beginning next week since they will release the online portion at that time. We are using a curriculum through K12. The best part is that in California, it is offered as a "virtual public school", so aside from our tax dollars we don't pay anything for the books, labs, art supplies, computers and printers. I am very impressed with the subjects, supplies, etc. and am looking forward to the accountability the program offers.

The plan was originally to have our kids go to public elementary school and then to home school our kids when they came of middle school age, unless we could miraculously afford private school again. The plan changed, the miracle didn't happen and the thought of home school seemed impossible the more children we had. I thought that I would become certifiably crazy if I home schooled and had little ones to tend to as well. So in true God fashion, He made happen what I had given up on. He had Jace request to be home schooled. At first I dismissed it, but the boy didn't let up! So I took the leap and signed up after a couple of months. We began to receive the boxes of goodies and I felt bad that Jace was getting such an awesome opportunity with such outstanding curriculum that I began to feel bad for sending Brynna back to public school. I asked her if she wanted to be home schooled and she refused stating she would miss her friends. Fine. I then got her state testing results and was not pleased. I know Brynna is a smart girl, but her take on life is more creative, non-traditional and the disconnect was apparent when looking at the scores. I tried a different approach to swoon her, I offered to get her horseback riding lessons. Still no. Okay, I thought, to each his (or her) own. I wasn't going to force the matter. Out of nowhere, the week before public school was to start, she changed her mind. We were at the doctors and she said she wanted to learn at home because sometimes she didn't hear things at school and the teachers would not repeat it. I don't think I will ever know what triggered the thought. The impending vaccinations for her siblings? Playing "I spy"? Singing songs? After a hundred "Are you sure's", she remained firm in her choice, and I signed her up too.

So, now I am home schooling both of the older kids (4th and 6th grade), piecemealing a pre-school curriculum together for Ryleigh and Keely (they beg everyday for home school), and will have an infant and a toddler at home. The first two weeks after accepting my new found role, I was stoked. Couldn't wait for it to start. Feeling confident. Cleaning and organizing the playroom like never before. Then something happened. What? I'm not sure. But I doubt myself now. Doubt our decision. The "what if's" flood my mind. What if I can't find the time necessary? What if the kid's test scores drop? What if the kids think I'm an idiot? What if others think I'm crazy? What if I am crazy? What if I loose even more of who I am to this mothering thing?

Ridiculous, huh? Maybe, maybe not. My feelings are real, hopefully not correct, but definitely worries of mine. I'm clinging to the fact that this is not uncharted territory, many a woman has done this before me, many are doing it now. My pressures are not so different then others; there are teaching moms with more children and less resources than I and they are raising well-educated, well-adjusted individuals. But still I fret. I'm praying. Praying I can do this. Praying I won't screw my children up too much. Praying that Jace and Brynna don't discover the truth too soon; that their mother doesn't know everything. Praying that I don't get lost in the jobs I do, but that they enhance who I am. Praying that the teacher's manual will fill me in on what the heck a predicate is again before I have to teach it.


Annette said...

Thanks for sharing. I added questions to the previous post, but thought of another.

Can you share the names, ages, and grades of each of your kids? Maybe with a family picture?

Sassy Chica said...

stopping by from sits!

Sassy Chica

Tonya said...

You answered! I wasn't here for a few days, so just now getting caught up. You are going full force with this thing - WOW. I will be praying for you. Homeschooling is WONDERFUL - we do love it. But it is also so stinking hard! K12 should help - you are considered the facilitator, not the teacher, so if they don't learn it's not your fault! :-) Think about why you are homeschooling - is it for the academics? For us it is for our kids to have a great relationship with us and to have a great relationship w/ Christ. As for academics - our goal is that they know how to learn and love learning. No way can ANY school teach them everything.

Oh, and anything you don't know? Google it! :-)