We are now beginning the fourth week of school. I can hardly believe it. I can hardly believe that I am still functioning and that my children are not begging to go back to a brick and mortar school...and most of all that they are still alive.
Many have wondered if I've had a change of heart. It's really a two part answer. No and yes. I still don't really like it, but I am realizing more everyday the importance of this new role I've undertaken. I am still trying to muddle my way through the curriculum figuring out what needs to be done and what is busy work. I have tried a new way to organize my week, for the third week in a row, and still feel that it needs revamping. Motivation is still slow going for the kids, I'm trying different rewards for work completed but still they dawdle - and still I yell. Comprehension remains a frustration for Brynna and requires repeating a lesson...sometimes several times. It continues to be a frustration for me as well, as I can't comprehend why she can't comprehend, and I feel as if I am wasting my time. The little ones still act as a distraction, as they demand a great deal of attention regardless of the crafts and teaching supplies I give them. The brief reprieves they do grant us often mean more work for me in the long run because they are off doing things they shouldn't; like drawing on their furniture and mirrors or taking everything they own and covering their bedroom floor with it. Vance still poops at inconvenient times, requiring diaper changes in the middle of lessons, and sometimes just needs mama time with a snuggle in a quiet room. Lunches and dinners have suffered greatly during this transition and I miss them tremendously. At least twice a day, I want to give up, but God is so good to me, a whiner, complainer, and bad homeschooling teacher. It has amazed me all the people he has sent to encourage me when I least deserve it. Friends who walk this same path, friends who I didn't think would understand our decision, and even complete strangers at the grocery store. Everyone has either had an encouraging word or has imparted advice that I have been able to implement and benefit from. It has once again confirmed this decision of ours, the decision I wish we had not made, the one that I still don't care much for, the one that complicates my life ten fold, the decision that makes me yell and my blood boil, the one I know had to be made - the decision I know, deep inside, was right.
I am clinging daily to Him and His word:
Galatians 6:9 NIV "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
2 Thessalonians 1:11 Message "...pray that our God will make you fit for what he's called you to be, pray that he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something."
I certainly hope this all amounts to something, like my children's academic success, college accolades, and great jobs. However, if I have to settle for the harvest being children who feel loved despite my screams, who learn sacrifice, who develop a work ethic, and are happy caring adults; well then I pray with His energy I will continue tossing the seed no matter how haphazardly I feel it is.