Monday, September 28, 2009

Scattered Seeds and Brains

We are now beginning the fourth week of school. I can hardly believe it. I can hardly believe that I am still functioning and that my children are not begging to go back to a brick and mortar school...and most of all that they are still alive.

Many have wondered if I've had a change of heart. It's really a two part answer. No and yes. I still don't really like it, but I am realizing more everyday the importance of this new role I've undertaken. I am still trying to muddle my way through the curriculum figuring out what needs to be done and what is busy work. I have tried a new way to organize my week, for the third week in a row, and still feel that it needs revamping. Motivation is still slow going for the kids, I'm trying different rewards for work completed but still they dawdle - and still I yell. Comprehension remains a frustration for Brynna and requires repeating a lesson...sometimes several times. It continues to be a frustration for me as well, as I can't comprehend why she can't comprehend, and I feel as if I am wasting my time. The little ones still act as a distraction, as they demand a great deal of attention regardless of the crafts and teaching supplies I give them. The brief reprieves they do grant us often mean more work for me in the long run because they are off doing things they shouldn't; like drawing on their furniture and mirrors or taking everything they own and covering their bedroom floor with it. Vance still poops at inconvenient times, requiring diaper changes in the middle of lessons, and sometimes just needs mama time with a snuggle in a quiet room. Lunches and dinners have suffered greatly during this transition and I miss them tremendously. At least twice a day, I want to give up, but God is so good to me, a whiner, complainer, and bad homeschooling teacher. It has amazed me all the people he has sent to encourage me when I least deserve it. Friends who walk this same path, friends who I didn't think would understand our decision, and even complete strangers at the grocery store. Everyone has either had an encouraging word or has imparted advice that I have been able to implement and benefit from. It has once again confirmed this decision of ours, the decision I wish we had not made, the one that I still don't care much for, the one that complicates my life ten fold, the decision that makes me yell and my blood boil, the one I know had to be made - the decision I know, deep inside, was right.

I am clinging daily to Him and His word:
Galatians 6:9 NIV "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
2 Thessalonians 1:11 Message "...pray that our God will make you fit for what he's called you to be, pray that he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something."

I certainly hope this all amounts to something, like my children's academic success, college accolades, and great jobs. However, if I have to settle for the harvest being children who feel loved despite my screams, who learn sacrifice, who develop a work ethic, and are happy caring adults; well then I pray with His energy I will continue tossing the seed no matter how haphazardly I feel it is.


Tonya said...

Obedience to Christ amounts to sooo much more than college and academic success. Your hope should be that what this amounts to is children who love the Lord with all their hearts, souls and minds. Who see a REAL Christian Momma working out her faith every single day. Who see her on her knees crying to the Lord for help. Who hear her ask for forgiveness once more for being a sinner who needs Christ as much as they do. Academics come last.

The need to tweak the schedule is always there. To find activities for the younger ones - always there. Many of us have resorted to videos for a time. It's ok. If you truly feel this is what God has called you to, He will be faithful. I so very much wish I lived around the corner! What you are experiencing is normal. And you will grow in Him. And your kids will too.

teresa said...

hi there , i just read your post and really understand how you feel , i have recently decided to home school my 12 year old which is practically unheard of in england and i to panic daily that she is not learning enough and that im teaching her wrong as she is already very much behind her old class mates i wonder if im making it worse i also have a child still in school and a 20 month old at home and most days feel frazzled but when i see that iam not the only one to struggle and not the only one to think "i cant do this" it makes me realize we are trying as hard as we can to educate our kids to the best way we know and we all made this decission for a reason so i have to go on and it looks like you do that to its just that we sometimes need to be checked ourselves and have anyone say your doing fine and you know what you are just take it a day at a time.

sajmom said...

I don't know you, but I'm so glad I found this post! I have been feeling similarly lately. I just started homeschooling in Septemer. In my case I don't dislike or hate it, in fact when it's going well I quite enjoy it. I like teaching and I like being around my daughter. But I also have a kindergarten aged boy-I'm barely doing anything with him. Partly on purpose, partly not. And I also have a four year old and a two year old. You acurately describle the distractions from the younger children! I struggle with that all the time. For me the hardest part is the constant self-doubt. I have no clue if I'm doing enough, will she show progress by the end of the year?? I'm in PA and at the end of the year I have to hire someone to come examine her and write a recommendation, then submitt the recomendation and a porfolio to the school district. I'm so nervous about both. Will they laugh at my efforts and say I haven't done nearly enough? Will I be the bad example of homeschoolers? I struggle still with our schedule and motivating her. Some days it's like pulling teeth to get her to do math. And some days it's not doing the work, but what work to do that causes the problem! I have a strong willed daughter who likes to be in charge of herself. I hope I'm doing alright by my children! This really is a leap of faith. I was beginning to wonder if my lack of confidence and my troubles were a sign that I was not meant to do this. It really helps to find out that other people have troubles as well. On the internet I've only read about happy large homeschooling families who are excelling in every way possible! Thank you for this post, I needed to hear this.